Well folks it's time for me to move on to a different pasture. I have renamed one of my old accounts so I'll be using it from now on (I better for $15 lol). Please take this journal off of your friends' lists as I will no longer write any public/friends entries from here. Please add my new journal ambeari. Thank you.


Also, for those of you who are interested the following are my special journals.


Dream Journal~ dreamberceause

Poetry Journal~ starliterainbow

Book/story ideas~ mysticalcreator

Cafepress~ TBA

Weightloss TBA


I also started some communities and I'll post about them when they are ready.

Now I must bid adieu. Goodbye, rainbowbite you were a wonderful companion. I enjoyed writing in you.

Cheers to all!

What reminds you of me?

1. Animal
2. Flower
3. Song
4. Tree
5. Planet
6. Word
7. Food
8. Anime
9. Anime character
10. Super hero
11. Movie character
12. Book character
13. gemstone
14. Inanimate Object
15. Feeling
16. Color

Last night was cruise night here in the maple city. People with cars older than 20 can participate in it. My Uncle Charles has old cars so I went and sat with my Aunt Peggy, Dad and others from my Dad's family. I don't really give a crap about cars; I was mainly there for a quick visit with my relatives. I did see two very interesting cars. One looked like an old buggy, but the had painted it to look like it was wooden and they had fake stuffed roosters on the top of the roof. The other was a van which practically screamed "I'm from the sixties!" It had brilliant bold flowers all over the bottom half and the top half was robin's egg blue.

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After leaving the old car parade Mom, Phil, Matt, and I went to Grandpa and Grandma's to take back the tiller. While there two birds flew into the window. :-o They were alright though.

Upon arriving home Mom noticed a bird perched on our wooden swing. It didn't move or fly away when we walked past it. It was dark, so I went inside to get a flashlight to check on the little bird. Shining the light on the bird told me that it was a fledgling robin. I carefully checked to make sure it wasn't hurt or stuck (it wasn't) and I went inside. It stayed there on the swing all night (I made a make-shift nest just in case the temperature dropped drastically and it wasn't able to fly up to its own nest) and I checked on it periodically until 4:30am which is when I was finally able to fall asleep. I woke up around ten and immediately went outside to check up on my little birdie friend. The little birdie was gone so I assume he (or maybe she) is alright.

I was listening for the mail truck when a little boy and his dad walked down our street. The little boy saw Matt's car and excitedly exclaimed in his high pitched little boy voice "DADDY'S CAR!" His dad calmly said "No, it's not Daddy's car. It's somebody's car, but it's not Daddy's car." The little boy must have decided that the car belonged in his family because he countered with (in just as excited a voice) "MOMMY'S CAR!" Again the Dad replied "It's not Mommy's car. It's somebody's car." Then the little boy said "Daddy's car!" Again the Dad said "No, it's somebody's car." By this time they had walked around the corner so I didn't hear if the little boy said anything else, but it was the cutest conversation.

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As for my sandwich, it was a delightfully delicious cheese and barbeque chips on white bread. Mom asked what it was and when I told her it was a chip sandwich she said "Have I ever told you that some of the things you eat are gross and weird?" ROFL. I didn't think a chip sandwich was that weird. I guess it ranks together with my butter and sugar sandwiches that I sometimes crave. Mom likes those though. She's the one who made me my first sugar sandwich years ago.

Okay so I went to my appointment today. I had to talk with the social worker to see if I'm eligible for treatment. I'm not. My family makes too much money. Money that isn't mine, but since I live at home the income of all adults is included. So, it was a non-appointment. DeeDee (that was the SW's name) gave me a couple of numbers to call to see if I might be eligible for counseling and discounted prescriptions. She told me to lie about who was in the house. *is mucho shocked* I can't lie about that stuff. You'd be able to smell the farce a country away. So, since I'm ineligible for help perhaps my Mom can swing a doctor's appointment for me at the clinic she works at. I know that sometimes the doctor's there see some of their employees family for free as a courtesy. Let's hope. *crosses fingers*

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As for the new journal name I haven't decided on it yet. I'm going to be renaming one of my old accounts because I'm a dork who wants my account number to be lower. Plus, whichever account I choose has to have the account number add up to three or a number divisible by three (uh or 19 because I was born on the 19th). Yes, call me a nerd. I wear my nerd badge with pride. *polishes badge*

Have no fear, when I change the name I'll let you all know. This will be the last change ever (unless a new personality/alter ego sprouts from my bosom)! Seriously, stop rolling your eyes. I'm going to be paying fifteen buckaroos just to change my name. I'd be insane to want to change it again.

I finally got an appointment with the free clinic (actually Grandma and Grandpa made it for me) to see a doctor. I have to bring a piece of mail to prove that I live where I say I live, proof of three month's income for everyone in the house over 18 (which I think is stupid because if I can't be on Mom and Phil's insurance because I'm too old why should I have to give the clinic my Mom and Phil's personal income information?), my work history printed at the unemployment office (I did that today--thanks to Grandpa for picking me up so I could), and a utility bill, rent lease, or mortgage. I hope the stuff I bring will be enough. My appointment is tomorrow. I've been nervous all day. Things will be alright though (just reassuring myself) and since I tend to have a problem expressing how I really feel (I'm a pro at saying "I'm fine" when I'm not) I'm going to write down things to say to the doctor (or whoever sees me) so that if I clam up I can just read the paper.

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I spent the night at Dad's last week and enjoyed my time with him and Gertie. She got a hair cut a couple weeks ago and is so adorable. The power went out (only for half the trailer park) for a few hours. Dad and I sat on the deck where it was cooler than the inside of the trailer. Gertie came outside with us and all three of us just enjoyed the nice breeze. We kidded with each other about Mom having a cookout for memorial day.

Dad: "So is your Mom having a cookout?"
Me: "For memorial day? We'll probably cook out but we're not have a cookout."
Dad: "Are you using the grill?"
Me: "Yes"
Dad: "Is the grill outside?"
Me: "Yes."
Dad: "Then you're having a cookout."

LOL! That's our new inside joke. Now whenever I talk to him he asks "Having a cookout?" *Smiles*

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It's been so hot and humid these past few days. I can't sleep when I'm hot and sweaty so I haven't gotten the zzzzzzz's that my body wants me to have. I already have a messed up sleep schedule. Some days I'm an insomniac who can't fall asleep til four or five a.m. and only sleep a few hours when I do reach my slumber altitude, but I am energized when I awake. On other days I can't seem to sleep enough and thus spend those days nodding off in a chair and then after a day of mostly sleeping I turn in really early because I'm tired. Luckily, we've had a few rainstorms that have cooled things off a bit. I love the rain.

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We (Mom, Phil, and I) have been sitting on the deck in the evenings to enjoy the cool night air. They've had a lot of fun laughing at me because I'm jumpy around bugs (Yes, I am a total girly-girl when it comes to being all squealy around insects). I startle easily and they've just had a grand old time making me jump. I have proven that I have good reflexes though. LOL!

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Mom and I are good at understanding each other when no one else in the house can. Mom came up with our new language name. We understand each other because we speak Modauese. *cracks up with laughter*

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Last night, Mom, Phil, and I had eight o'clock margaritas. Mom said "I can't wait 'til midnight (she's usually in bed by ten) so I'm making 8 o'clock margaritas. Want one?" They were lemon-lime flavored and very good...although I prefer daiquiris.

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Today while sitting in the recliner I was startled by a blue jay. The jay had landed right next to our picture window and was pressing it's gray beak to the window looking in. Little birdie was so cute and only a couple of feet away from me. He flew off when I unreclined the chair. He was so cute though! I also saw an orange butterfly flit right by the same window. I swear its wings brushed the glass because it was so close. I heart butterflies and pretty birdies. *smiles*

A couple of week's ago I went to my family's church to pray because I figured that perhaps God would hear me better if I was at a church. That and if I've been given any divine nudges I've been too blind to realize it. I still don't understand (probably because I've never experienced) what people are talking about when they say God spoke to them.

Anyway moving on. So I prayed for over an hour and eventually left thinking nothing of it. The next week I decided to go to the church and pray again. This time however I decided to take a different route and ended up getting lost which is quite embarrassing (I have the poorest directional sense). By the time I realized that I wasn't going the right way I had already walked to the other side of town. I stopped to say "Hi!" to my ex-step-dad, but he was going back to work from his lunch break. I felt guilty about the quick visit since my Mom and him had a really bad divorce (among other things). I have this problem with holding grudges against people. Yes, sometimes people upset me, but after a little while I get over it. That's probably why it hurts me so much when people hold grudges against me. Life is too short to spend resenting people.

After the quick visit with ex-step-dad I left and just sort of wandered until I came to the street my Aunt Joyce lives on. I figured since I'd come that far I might as well drop by and visit her. She saw me coming (by chance she glanced out her window when I was walking down her block) and greeted me on her porch. She was pleasantly surprised to have a visit from me. I hung out with her for a couple of hours. We chatted a bit and watched some television. She's battling cancer and seems to be doing really well which makes me so relieved.

Eventually I left and decided to walk to my Grandparent's house. When I arrived my feet were killing me (not to mention my back, thighs and oddly enough my butt) and I was so grossly sweaty. I visited with them for awhile before Grandma made a mention of Sallie Mae saying that they'd called her and Grandpa. It was then that I burst into a torrent of sobbing tears. It came out of nowhere. I was so happy talking to them and the mere mention of something that reminded me of the stress I've had this past year over my bills and I turn into a blubbering baby. It came on so suddenly I was quite shocked and extremely embarrassed. Grandma and Grandpa told me that they would help me out a bit and asked me to bring my bills to them. I did a couple of days later. They ended up giving me $500 dollars up front to pay down some of my overdue bills. I am so happy they did. I still have a few outstanding overdue bills, but they aren't as much as they were. Grandpa and Grandma also told me that they are going to hold a garage sale and give me all of the profits from it. It won't be much, but it'll be enough (hopefully) for me to make interest-only payments on my loans awhile so that I can stay current on my bills.

Grandma and Grandpa invited to stay with them for the weekend. I had a lovely time. Grandma had me write down some of the things she plans to sell in the garage sale. That's really why I was there to help her make a list, but we didn't get very far. ^_^ Instead, they worked on the area surrounding their new pond for most of the weekend. I had fun just being with them. Grandma and I discussed my problem with getting and keeping jobs. We concluded that I need to get help to deal with all of my issues before seeking employment. So, I agreed to let her and Grandpa take me to the free clinic here in La Porte to seek some professional help. Everyone who knows me knows that I dislike going to the doctor with a vengeance. This is a very scary step for me. I've even agreed to let my Mom take me to the evening clinic where she works if the free clinic won't see me. I suppose the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem so at least I'm that far.

I went to church with Grandma and Grandpa on Sunday and we were entertained by the church's kids (the ones in the choirs) as they put on a little musical about Jonah. It was so very cute. At the end of the service the kids lined up in the hallway and as we filed out we shook their hands, gave hi-fives, and told them what a wonderful job they did.

Afterward, I went back to my Grandparent's house and spent a few more hours with them. I ended up finding three really neat rocks and kept one that Grandpa found. Yes, I am a complete geek. I collect rocks. ^_^

I had a great time with my Grandparents. I love them and my Mom and the rest of my family so much.

Tonight, Dad is picking Matt and I up and we're going to see 'The Davinci Code'.

Taken from hunting_orc's journal.

Using the Candy Doll Maker, make a doll of me from what you remember of my looks (or how you picture me) and post it here in the comments. Once you've posted here, ask the same in your own journal and see what your friends think you look like!

( Who I am in my imagination )

***Please note that in real life I don't have red hair (wish I did 'cause my Mom, Dad, and both my brothers have/had natural red hair at one point in their lives) nor do I have violet eyes (I couldn't find vibrant green eyes).

I had (emphasis on had) an interview aligned for today with the same company I'd interviewed with before. So, yesterday my Mom bought me two really nice shirts, a pair of trouser socks, and a real bra (I usually wear sports bras because I find them more comfy). I felt sooooooooo (insert a billion more o's) guilty. I mean it came up to over seventy dollars. That just lets me know that if I ever win the lottery or my books sell big (I can hope, wish, and dream right?) I will always be aware of the price and will still have mini-heart attacks when buying something expensive.

Anyway back to the interview. Grandpa picked me up and I arrived a respectable five minutes beforehand to make sure I was on time. I get there and am asked to wait in the break room. Five minutes or so pass and this woman comes in to conduct the interview. I'm feeling poised, polished and confident (which is rare for me) and I'm ready to bring out the big guns and land the job. I realize that she and I had met at my cousin Angela's baby shower so I mention it and she does one of those blinking recognition things and then she said, "Oh yes, Now I remember! Amanda, Right?" I had to correct her "Close, it's Amber." Then she asked "Are you related to Angela?" and I said "Yes, she and I are cousins." After I said that I was informed that they don't hire family members. Then she called me Amanda again (I didn't correct her the second time) and that was it.

I was so crushed and dejected. I mean it isn't very often when I'm able to feel confident and ready to face the world. I guess it just wasn't meant to be and I'll just have to keep looking. I went home with Grandpa and spent the afternoon visiting with Grandma while Grandpa worked on digging a hole for the pond they're going to set up. Grandma and I had a good time chatting with each other. We talked about her mom (Grandma Jones) and about how when Grandma was growing up she didn't have much. She told of how Grandma Jones sister and her family would always come over to eat because her sister didn't like to cook. She spoke of how her cousins' parents would give her cousins money to buy candy and how she and her siblings would hang around hoping they would share only to occasionally be given really tiny pieces of candy. She told of how my Great-Grandma started doing the laundry for this family to help them out and how they never offered to pay her. I was told how this same family moved and gave my Great-Grandma a living room set and then later wanted her to pay for it (IMO they should have given to her since she did all that back breaking work for them and never complained or asked for a dime). Grandma Jones couldn't afford it so she sent it back. Pretty soon my Grandma and her siblings (I can't remember which) were old enough to get jobs so they got Grandma Jones a living room set and started to pay it off. Grandma Jones eventually had to take over the payments for it because Grandma and her brother (or whomever) couldn't afford the payments after awhile, but at least they made the effort to do something nice.

I was also told of how my Grandma was sick all the time and how when she was younger she had a bad case of the flu. She'd been too weak to walk and her Uncle had to carry her to the doctor where she was given a shot. She mentioned that back then shots were basically 'it'll cure you or kill you'.

Grandma also mention her first cousin (Grandma Jones' niece and my third cousin) Roewena. She told of how Roewena had all these problems, but she never complained and always had a smile on her face. Roewena would always tell Grandma Jones how lucky she was to have family. Roewena's family had all died and she'd never had kids. I was told a story of how one day she'd been expecting somebody to fix the hand pump to her well. The guy was a friend of somebody she knew, but she'd never seen his face. So when this guy comes to the door she assumes it's him and thinks nothing of getting him a glass of water. She turns her back and he steps inside and so does this woman (who'd been hiding around the corner). The woman had carpet samples and while the woman was making a sales pitch the guy found Roewena's purse and snatched it. My Grandma and Grandpa would go and visit her. I imagine she had to be rather lonely. One day Grandma saw this tiny outfit (Roewena was a tiny person; even more so after she fell ill) and bought it because it would be perfect for Roewena. Grandma drops it off and only stays for a little bit because the cleaning lady was there and Grandma didn't want to get in the way. She told me she remembered saying she'd stop by and visit in a few days. She never got the chance because two days later Roewena was dead. Grandma said she felt bad that she died alone, but that Roewena must have known she was going to die because after years of keeping all doors and windows locked tight she unlocked the front door on the day she died and laid herself on her couch. It was as if she wanted to make sure that somebody found her body. Somehow she knew that that day would be her last on earth and she wanted to give people an easy way into the house. We're never alone when we die, so perhaps she was instructed by whomever came to get her to leave the door unlocked.

I also had a brunch of fried pork chops, mashed potatoes, apple sauce, and asparagus with Grandpa and Grandma. It was one of the best pork chop meals I have ever had. Yum.

*Shamelessly stolen from rei_chan.

Type your FIRST REACTION when you hear these words
(don't spend time thinking - just your gut reaction) Then re-post

1. Cigarette: Death--Wish most of my family didn't smoke. :(
2. Sex: Hormones
3. Relationships: not in one
4. Your Last Ex: Last? Please I've only dated once
5. Power Rangers: I am the Purple Ranger aka Rainbow Ranger ^_~
6. Marijuana: Leaf
7. Crack: butt
8. This President: lame
9. Family: happiness
10. War: stupid
11. Cars: transportation
12. Gas Prices: give up your first born child
13. Halloween: Play Dress up and talk to dead relatives/friends
14. Bon Jovi: uh Crash? I don't know
15. Religion: spiritual
16. MySpace: don't see what the hoopla is about, but I'm a member.
17. Worst Fear: not being able to breath/death of a loved one
18. Marriage: maybe someday
19. Fashion: unique
20. Brunettes: people?
21. Redheads: I want red hair
22: Work: I need a job
23: Pass the time: write
24: Football: Such violence over a pigskin ball
25: One night Stand: um cheque please? (okay that sounds so wrong but that's what first came to my mind. lol)
26: Pet Peeve: People who don't wash their hands after using the restroom GROSS!
27: Pixie Stix: Sugar High
28: Vanilla Ice Cream: Hot Fudge, whipped cream, and sometimes crackers
29: Porta Potties: Only if my bladder threatens me with death or wet pants
30: High school: Wish I could do it over (this time I'd be skinny and cool ^_^)
31: Pajamas: comfy
32. Wood: floors
33. Surfers: wipe out
34. Pictures: cherish

Last Friday I stayed up all night because I had planned to sleep in Dad's bed (as opposed to the uncomfy couch) when he left. Beforehand I decided to do the dishes, straighten up a bit, and finish reading the paper. I was just about to crawl into bed for some serious slumberage when the phone rang. It was Mom asking if I wanted to go to the baby shower for Angela. I was past the point of over-tired giddiness, but I really wanted to go. So I forewent sleep and splashed some cold water on my face before Mom swung by to pick me up. Then after picking up Grandma and Aunt Gina we went to the shower.

The shower was nice. Olivia was adorable and soooo tiny. Angela showed us her first baby picture from the hospital. It looked like and Anne Geddes (Sp?) photo. In the picture Olivia was nestled in the palm of Angela's hand.

I ended up winning a beautiful glass picture frame. This other girl and I had both correctly identified the names of the baby versions of grown animals. There was only one prize so we had to do the 'pick a number between 1 and 10' guessing game. She guessed 7 and I guessed 3. Three was the exact number. Hehe I'm psychic. ^_^

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Just for fun here are the animals that won me my prize.
Name the Baby Animal Game Answers

Cow----Calf
Deer---Fawn
Sheep--Lamb
Frog---Tadpole
Pig----Piglet
Goat---Kid
Seal---Pup
Goose--Gosling
Swan---Cygnet
Lion---Cub

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After I was dropped off at Dad's I took a four hour nap to catch up on some sleep. I ended up going to bed early ('cause I was still tired lol) and the next day I felt as if I'd been run over by a fleet of trucks. Now that I've caught up on my sleep I'm fine now. Getting to see Olivia again was worth it.

Also, yesterday Uncle Don, Aunt Reva their kids and grandkids etc came over so Dad could take some family (and individual) portraits for them. They treated me to dinner (I was even treated to a brownie sundae ^_^) while the film was being developed. Dad layed out the pictures and they absolutely loved them. I sent an email to thank them for treating me to dinner and dessert.

Whelp that's all the update I have for now.

I just checked one of my email addresses and discovered that I had an email from a random person in the UK. Whoever he is, he wants me to take a 'do you know me' friend quiz.

I love random emails.

I went to church today with Mom and Phil. The sermon of the week was entitled "Get Up and Go". It was basically about how we shouldn't let excuses and our past experiences stop us from moving forward in life. We should all strive to reach our fullest potentials. As the lesson part of the service ended Phil left abruptly. I asked Mom "Where'd he go?" and she replied "he had to go to the bathroom". Amused I giggled "Well I guess he took the lesson seriously. He had to get up. And go." I spent the rest of the service choking back laughter. A few snorts of glee did escape.

I found this on girlbox's journal.

Birth Month Meme
This is a good time:

1. Pick your birth month
2. Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
3. Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.
4. Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a lj-cut.


( February Baby )

Okay I bolded 10 and a half. I just couldn't decide which to take away so I'm leaving them bolded. ^_^

Rightfully so my Mom has given me an ultimatum. I have three weeks to get a job or else. My family has every right to be disappointed in me. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff and if I so much as sneeze I'll fall to my death. I know I have problems (probably more than anybody could ever imagine), but they are no reason to keep putting my Mom and family through hell. I try to work through them alone, but obviously that's not helping. I don't want my Mom to be disappointed in me. I want her to love me and be proud of me.

Like they say Desperate times calls for desperate measures. I'm thinking about packing a suitcase and just leaving (if I can't get a job within three weeks I have to leave anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter when it happens). I've burdened too many hearts as it is. Where will I go? I have no clue. Perhaps this is just my mind's way of coping. Maybe I won't end up going anywhere. I have these moments quite frequently. I supposed it's my body's 'fight or flight' mechanism. The truth is when I get scared or nervous my reaction is to slip into my own world. I try not to, but the harder I try the more immobilized I become. My Mom cares for me and I know she would worry about me if I just up and left home. I'm not a tough person. I never was, and I have the feeling that if totally left to my own devices I'll end up dead fairly quickly. I'm just making assessments. I don't have what you call 'street smarts'. While I trust hardly anybody, I am also embarrassingly naive.

I am draining my Mother. Never had I planned on being such a burden. Never had I planned to make her so sad. It's all because she cares for me. In her eyes I was a gift. In my eyes I was a baby born too early; a baby who if her mother hadn't gotten pregnant with she (my Mom) would have a better life right now. My Mom has worked hard all her life to support me. She has given up so much. It's time that I started to repay her for her kindness. She deserves so much more than me for a daughter. I feel as if I deserve no one. Yes, I know that depression isn't my fault. I know that things aren't always full of overcast skies and rain. I know that.

I just want my Mom to have a better life.

I know this post is emo, but so what? Everyone is entitled to have emo moments. As they say 'this too shall pass' and perhaps someday I'll find that elusive happiness.

I accidentally dialed the wrong number when trying to access our voice mail system.

This is the message I got.

"72"

"If you feel like you've received this message in error please hang up and try your party again."



72? So The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was wrong. The answer isn't 42 it's 72.

My cousin Angela had her baby on thursday April 06, 2006. She and her husband Oscar named her Olivia Angelica. I went up to visit Angela in the hospital today and I bought her a 'Congratulations on your new baby' card as well as two guardian angel coins (one with 'Olivia' on it and the other with 'Angela' printed on it). When Oscar came I felt guilty because I hadn't thought to get him a guardian angel coin. Now that I know that he would have liked one if I see one with his name on it I'll get it for him.

Olivia was born three weeks early. Earlier in the week Angela had started to feel excruciating pain and had gone to the hospital to find out what was wrong. Twice, the emergency room staff told her that she was just having contractions and to go home. Angela and Oscar did as they were told. After awhile the pain went away long enough for Angela to get a few hours of good sleep. When she woke up she was in even more pain and they went back to the hospital. This time the staff apparently took her seriously and ordered some blood work. When her test results came in her platelets had dropped to 17 which meant that she was in danger. Her doctor was called and she had to have an emergency C-section. My cousin almost died (and she would have died if they had sent her home this third time) because no one believed her that something was wrong. That just totally sickens me. My mom's a very good nurse and when I get pregnant I want her there with me. She knows all of that medical jargon and I know that she'd be livid if her baby almost died because some ignorant person was too busy to help me.

Well with that little rant over I now must gush over the adorableness that is my new cousin. OMG! She is so cute! She's so tiny and Angelic (her name fits! ^_^). She has a full head of black hair. Angela calls her 'Mommy's little mohawk baby' because Olivia has a few areas of hair that like to stick straight up. She's been spending most of the time in the nursery under the light to help her jaundice, but I did get to see her several times. She is just so adorable. I can't wait until the baby shower so I can see her (and Angela) again. Hopefully Mom and I'll give her a few books that are in Spanish and in English because they are a bilingual family. I'll even write a poem for a gift. ^_^


I ♥ babies.

Well I got that elusive job offer right after posting my last entry. I'm not even happy about it. I'm not happy because two major things are more than likely going to cause me to have to quit.


The first thing throwing a wrench in things is I have to wear business attire. This wouldn't be a problem if I had some extra money to buy a few outfits. As of right now I only have a few outfits that even come close (and I can't mix and match to get more) to being acceptable business attire. I've also only got one pair of dress shoes and they are almost worn. I can't afford to buy anything.

The second thing is my Mom's van (which I would have had to use for a bit before getting my own car) will not start. It's been sitting in our driveway dead for a couple of weeks. I don't have the money to fix it.


I just hope I can figure out the clothing issue and can find a way there (walking in the morning won't be so bad, but I refuse to walk across town alone in the dark).

I also hope it isn't a hard job that frustrates me because I started bawling at the drop of a hat. My crying is not something I can help either.

;_;

Maybe I should just decline the offer and keep looking for something near my house.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I haven't been updating as much. I do read all of your entries, but I just haven't felt up to commenting on most.

I've just been in the dumps lately. I still don't have a job and it has been over a year and a half. I can't even get hired at the local chain stores. How freakin' pathetic is that? Now, I'm getting final collection notices from all of my student loan companies. This of course makes me feel guilty and sad and useless. Now my Mom and Step-Dad's good credit histories are going down the toilet because I can't get and keep a job. All my family talks about is how happy I'll be once I get a job. I know that's complete bull crap. No job is going to magically make me happy. I'm beginning to wonder if anything will.

I know life is what you make it, but I feel as if I am somehow broken. I am so sensitive it is ridiculous. All I can think about is death and dying. Not my death mind you (although if I didn't know I have wonderful friends and family who care about me I'd be tempted), but the death of family members. I am one of those people who never wanted to grow up because I know that each year that passes brings some of my relatives closer to their last breaths. It's like I'm suffering from grief over things that haven't even happened yet. All I can think of is "I better spend time with them now because it may be too late later." I fear the day my Mom dies.

I don't know how to act in society. I have problems with letting people get close to me. I have such low self-confidence that (as of right now) I'll never amount to much of anything. All I wanted was to be a stay-at-home Mom and a writer. How can I be a stay-at-home mom when I can't even let down my guard to let people in? I've only been on one date in my life. As for writing, I've been too sick with fear and grief to write much of anything.

I'm used to being called names because of my weight. My life experiences has taught me to fear people. I wish I was as strong as some of my friends.


Right now I feel as if I'm suffocating in fear, anxiety, guilt, depression, etc etc etc. I know that these feelings shall pass.

I've also been sick with a temp varying from 99 to 101 degrees these past few days it all started with a stiff neck and a sore throat. I'd assumed I'd gotten the sore throat from sleeping with my mouth open and the sore neck from sleeping on my Dad's couch, but now I know they were just warning signs. I'm feeling a little better today. I still have chills and last night was rough because I kept waking up, but overall I'm much better. Since I've been sick I haven't been out to look for a job. My Mom wants me to put in an application at the local licorice factory. I'll do so, but the job entails standing for over eight hours a day in one position and I'm not so sure I could handle that. My feet and knees bother me so much when I stand for too long. I know it is because I'm fat and the reason they hurt is because of all the excess weight.

I'm just ready to find that rainbow after the stormy clouds blow away. It's been raining a long time.