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17 April 2006 @ 07:20 pm
Desperation  
Rightfully so my Mom has given me an ultimatum. I have three weeks to get a job or else. My family has every right to be disappointed in me. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff and if I so much as sneeze I'll fall to my death. I know I have problems (probably more than anybody could ever imagine), but they are no reason to keep putting my Mom and family through hell. I try to work through them alone, but obviously that's not helping. I don't want my Mom to be disappointed in me. I want her to love me and be proud of me.

Like they say Desperate times calls for desperate measures. I'm thinking about packing a suitcase and just leaving (if I can't get a job within three weeks I have to leave anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter when it happens). I've burdened too many hearts as it is. Where will I go? I have no clue. Perhaps this is just my mind's way of coping. Maybe I won't end up going anywhere. I have these moments quite frequently. I supposed it's my body's 'fight or flight' mechanism. The truth is when I get scared or nervous my reaction is to slip into my own world. I try not to, but the harder I try the more immobilized I become. My Mom cares for me and I know she would worry about me if I just up and left home. I'm not a tough person. I never was, and I have the feeling that if totally left to my own devices I'll end up dead fairly quickly. I'm just making assessments. I don't have what you call 'street smarts'. While I trust hardly anybody, I am also embarrassingly naive.

I am draining my Mother. Never had I planned on being such a burden. Never had I planned to make her so sad. It's all because she cares for me. In her eyes I was a gift. In my eyes I was a baby born too early; a baby who if her mother hadn't gotten pregnant with she (my Mom) would have a better life right now. My Mom has worked hard all her life to support me. She has given up so much. It's time that I started to repay her for her kindness. She deserves so much more than me for a daughter. I feel as if I deserve no one. Yes, I know that depression isn't my fault. I know that things aren't always full of overcast skies and rain. I know that.

I just want my Mom to have a better life.

I know this post is emo, but so what? Everyone is entitled to have emo moments. As they say 'this too shall pass' and perhaps someday I'll find that elusive happiness.
 
 
Mood Meter: distresseddistressed
 
 
 
many_angled_one on April 18th, 2006 08:38 am (UTC)
What are blogs for if not to rant, rave, cry and being all emotional? Its a place to vent instead of bottling it all up.

I suppose in the end all you can do is to go all out to get a job, nobody can ask more than that really. Ok so it will likely be a sucky job but needs must I suppose. Are there no temping agencies or call centres nearby? They have high staff turnover (cos the jobs suck) and you likely wont enjoy it but It would be better than feeling like you have let people down :( No idea what there is near where you live though...
Goddess of inSanityrainbowbite on April 18th, 2006 04:50 pm (UTC)
Yeah you're right. Oh there are a few temp agencies. I was signed up with two of them before, but they never offered me any work. Well they did, but in another city (which I couldn't do because I have no mode of transportation besides my feet). No matter how many times I told them I needed work that was in town they never listened.

I hate letting people down. And my Mom wouldn't be so disappointed in me if I hadn't let my shame of not having the proper clothes prevent me from getting the one job (in a year) I was offered.

I guess I just need to accept that I may never be happy. I know I can't keep hiding from the world. You know I actually thought about leaving home last night and wandering aimlessly. I of course can't do stuff like that because I don't want to break my Mom's heart any more. If I had the money I would find a therapist to help me. Since I don't have the money and since I don't want my family to know that I really do need help dealing with myself, I'm just going to have to learn to survive in this world with a fake aura of happiness.

Sorry this is such a bummed out reply. Thanks for commenting. You have no idea how much your comment has brightened my mood. Thanks for being a friend to an emo girl like me.